Carl Hiaasen has figured out why Trump shed the election

The huge conspiracy to steal the election from Donald Trump, entirely described:

In which and when did it all commence?

The plot was hatched in the spring of 2017 at a strip-shopping mall pizza parlor in Nutley, New Jersey. Hillary Clinton was in demand of procuring the pomodoro recipe, but liberal billionaire George Soros designed all the vital decisions about the crust and toppings.

Originally, the spot was a front for socialist pedophiles, but shortly it became the underground command heart for the radical Antifa movement, defilers of toppled Accomplice war statues and the bootleg Viagra cartel managed by Chuck Schumer and Bernie Sanders.

How have been these hazardous traitors equipped to penetrate the polling systems of so lots of states?

Early on election evening, absolutely free deep-dish pizzas (with a facet of garlic rolls) were being anonymously shipped to the prime election officers of just about every single voting district in Ga, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Arizona.

Despite the fact that the mushrooms on the pizzas seemed and tasted serious, they ended up basically flavorful bio-chips engineered by Monthly bill Gates and master chef Bobby Flay. Times soon after getting eaten, the chips dissolved in the gastric linings of the election officials, releasing coded commands that entered their bloodstreams and traveled immediately to their brains.

What transpired up coming?

Minutes immediately after the pizzas were eaten, the elections supervisors in each and every county of these focused states wordlessly arose from their desks, unlocked their laptop centers and reprogrammed the balloting software program to change thousands and countless numbers of Donald Trump ballots to Joe Biden votes.

What about the kinds who didn’t eat any pizza?

All of them ate it. Are you kidding? It was free frigging pie.

Wherever did all those people mail-in ballots arrive from?

Iran, of program. The voter names were being all phony, the postmarks had been forged and all the envelopes smelled like yogurt stew. They were being flown in secretly on a fleet of Michael Bloomberg’s private jets.

That may possibly clarify what took place in the battleground states, but how did Biden close up 7 million votes forward of Trump immediately after all the ballots in the country ended up counted?

That’s uncomplicated. The other states applied voting machines that ended up pre-rigged by Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and George Clooney.

But how can useless international dictators repair an American election?

Ha, never be so naïve. Who could say no to Clooney?

If the procedure was so flagrantly corrupted, how is it probable that the president has shed 59 independent court docket problems to the election success?

Is it up to 59 now? Wow.

Certainly, such as several scathing selections by conservative Republican judges.

Two terms: Deep state.

Each individual single one of people judges who betrayed the president was either compromised, intimidated or paid out off by the strong cabal that operates the shadow government, led by operatives of the NSA, FBI, CIA and HBO Max.

But even the Supreme Courtroom fall-kicked the president’s situation. What took place to the conservative majority that Trump explained would help you save him?

Chief Justice Roberts? Yet another micro-chipped pizza from Invoice Gates.

Gorsuch, Alito, Thomas, and Barrett? Also closet pizza hogs.

As for Brett Kavanaugh, the rumor is he was out on a keg run.

It was not only the courts that turned down the president’s initiatives to nullify the election results. Legal professional Basic Invoice Barr, a fierce Trump loyalist, claimed the Justice Department discovered no proof of common fraud in the course of the voting.

Alright, to start with — the Justice Department? Hi there? Thoroughly deep condition.

Bear in mind, these are the similar turncoats that refused to lock up Hillary, no issue how lots of MAGA rallies chanted for them to do it.

Next, Invoice Barr, with all due regard — have you seen the man recently? Two words: more mozzarella.

But even Mitch McConnell now suggests it’s in excess of, and that the vote of the Electoral College or university must be acknowledged as closing.

A stable bulk of Republicans even now think the election was stolen, so it’s a tragedy that Sen. McConnell, the Supreme Court docket, the governor of Georgia and all individuals wimpy judges have stabbed our heroic president in the back again.

It doesn’t suggest the relaxation of you ought to stop sending income, since Donald Trump will hardly ever give up combating till the vote is overturned, and Barack Obama is in prison for masterminding the coronavirus pandemic –

Wait — what?

Bear in mind? When he flew to Kenya to destroy his true start certificate? On the way back he stopped at that top rated-top secret lab in China and picked up a sack comprehensive of infected fruit bats.

You did not know that? Very seriously?

See, this is what’s incorrect with The usa. Also a lot of individuals are thoroughly clueless.